What Does it Mean to be Sexy?

 

Recently a beautiful colleague of mine, Jacqueline Ivory, wrote this post:

“Please, ‘sir’, don’t get me wrong, just because I dance near you in ecstatic dance and connect with your energy, it does not mean I want you, just because I dance wild and free and sensual, it does not mean I am ‘up for it’, just because I smile at you it does not mean I fancy you, just because I am open with my energy around you and allow it to flow freely, it does not mean I am open to sex with you. I am simply a being in a woman’s body who desires to be free and connect with all beings as authentically as I can.”

Between her expression and the amazing array of mixed responses I felt inspired to dive into the blurred mayhem of this sexual energy subject.

I used to wonder why in my youth I would entice people when I wasn’t actually interested in them. I wondered why my sensuality felt restricted when I was out in public. I wondered why when I was feeling sexy it was taken as an invitation.

 

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The Message of Flirtation

Men and women flirt. They playfully entice the attention of others. Gestures and words say ‘look at me’, ‘adore me’, ‘dote upon me’, and it works. There is no question this age old game has power, but what does it actually attract?

After years of attempting to swing between enticing a man’s attention at the bar, and furiously reacting when I was hassled on the dance floor, I realized what seeds I was sewing. My sexual energy was wide open while my heart was closed. I was giving men permission to be ‘sexual predators’. I was using my sexual energy to get my fix of adoration while offering a false promise of something more. But is that what I really wanted? And what exactly are men meant to read into that?

And obviously it works both ways. The amount of times the smallest compliment, empty words of affection would open me up. My sexual energy would pour out ready for the taking. And this doesn’t mean it ever lead to a physical interaction, but that person certainly received all the attention they wanted. And where was I left? Alone and depleted.

Unlike light playfulness, flirtation is a call for sexual attention. It is not an invitation to get to know each other and open the possibility for deeper connection. It is simply a primal invitation. Like a cat on heat we send our pheromones out, waiting for a response, for those affirmations of our sexiness. We are saying, “Tell me I am sexy”, “Make me feel better about myself”, “Show me I am worthy of love”. Immediately we put our power in their hands. We give them permission to treat us however they want as long as we are getting some form of attention. Whatever the result we are telling them we do not need respect and we are disposable.

Sovereign Sexual Energy

The energy of creation is always pulsing through you. It is your life force. It is your sexual energy. They are one and the same thing. If you want to make a painting, conceive a baby or create business your sexual energy is behind it. If you want to be happy, healthy and full of vitality, nourish your sexual energy. It is meant to fuel you, your babies and your partner, not any old Tom Dick or Harry that winks in your direction. I know it’s hard, we all get lonely, but wouldn’t you rather have a valuable connection that feeds both of you than one that leaves you empty?


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Women are sensual beings. When are hearts are lit up we engage with the beauty of everything in the world, we exude sensuality just by existing. But what is a man to do? He has been taught that even a whiff of sensual energy is an invitation. And what is a woman to do? How can she feel free to be in her full feminine beauty without being hit upon?

What if we could simply sitting down, be ourselves and have a conversation with someone; and god forbid even have the courage to tell them we are enjoying their company? It’s easy to flirt, to use our sexual energy to hide our true selves, because who wants to reveal their flaws? But it takes deep courage, deep trust in ourselves, and an honor of our worth to be honest in our expressions; to simply be without putting a false image of ourselves out there. It’s in those moments that we can relax and let go. No expectations, no illusion, just simple, honest transparency. Because after all, isn’t that what we all want in another?

Living a Sensual Life

Sensuality is the full embodiment of our senses. The more we connect with our senses the more alive we feel. The smell of a flower; the taste of chocolate; the feel of silk; the sight of a sunset, when we are fully present these are sensual experiences. Sensuality is the beauty within everything; it is the essence of the feminine; it is the essence of life. We can only observe true grace in a woman when her sensuality is present. This is the radiance; this is the mesmerizing glow of a 70-year-old woman.

Just as a plant blooms a flower and a bird sings its song, so a woman’s beauty shines through her sensuality. Whether she is dancing, singing, painting, laughing, playing or quietly being; a woman in her power will do all of this with a resonance of sensuality. This is our true sexiness!

 

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